In an attempt to justify their unwavering support for the embattled political advisor and his controversial trip to Durham, the government has pointed out that he was the crucial element needed to keep following the strategy that made the UK’s death toll the worst in Europe.
Simon Williams MP, the junior minister for Sports and Entertainment currently replacing Boris Johnson at the daily briefings, explained that forcing Cummings out could halt the pandemic plan that ensured Brits were ten times more likely to die of COVID-19 than Romanians.
“The witch-hunting media might think it would be a good thing to remove someone who just called everyone who made personal sacrifices at the government’s request a bunch of cretins who should learn to read the fine print.
“But, what would happen to the SAGE committee’s advice if you removed the one man who doesn’t know the difference between cytoplasm and cystitis?
“Do you want to go through a pandemic in a country like Germany or Greece? Sure, they have kept their casualties at under ten thousand, but do they have easily remembered slogans?
“The country is facing its darkest hour since World War 2 and our Prime Minister needs the best people beside him when he’s not napping or taking a lovely break at Chequers.
“Boris Johnson relies on Dominic to tell him when to let mass events like Cheltenham go ahead or to quietly let anyone in care homes die off.
“And Dominic has many many more brilliant ideas in store for you.”