Monday 25 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Newly released official Government maps show Durham actually in Islington


Durham now in islington

The government has issued new official maps of the British Isles that show that Durham is actually in Islington.

The maps are a response to increasing criticism of Boris Johnson’s advisor Dominic ‘Wormtongue’ Cummings’ decision to visit Durham during the lockdown.

“The time has come to correct the previous Labour Government’s inaccurate maps of the British Isles that show Durham is in somewhere called ‘The North’,” explained Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and human vessel for Dominic Cummings’ thoughts.

“As these new maps show, Durham is actually in Islington, just around the corner from Dom’s house and, as such, Dom did nothing wrong visiting his Durham family home in March when everyone else was locked down at home pretending to enjoy the National Theatre’s free YouTube streams of Shakespeare plays.”

Following the newly released maps, residents of Durham will no longer be required to speak with Geordie accents and will be gifted jobs in ‘the media’ and season tickets to Arsenal.

Durham resident Simon Williams was surprised by the news.

“Why aye, pet,” he said.

“I must confess, I was surprised to see Dominic Cummings in Durham back in March, and I’m glad the Government has cleared my confusion up my confirming that actually I live in North London.”

He also added the words ‘canny,’ ‘radge,’ and ‘howay’ because he is a proud North Londoner.

The newly released maps also show that Barnard Castle, previously thought to be in Deepdale Nature Reserve, Teeside, is actually a small garden shed situated at the bottom of Dominic Cummings’ garden.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt!

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