Friday 15 May 2020 by Joe Legge

Wetherspoons to re-open as garden centres after their beer is found to work as weed killer


wetherspoons garden centres selling weedkiller by the pint

Wetherspoons are taking advantage of a loophole in the law after submitting their cask beers to the Gardening & Horticulture Association for reclassification as weed killer.

The GHA has a robust 21 point checking system for which substances are required to show positive for at least 13 markers; however, Wetherspoon’s products breezed through the tests with many beverages scoring 15-18 and thus can now be legally considered as ‘weed killing products’.

A spokesman for Wetherspoons, Simon Williams, said, “We’re thrilled to be able to re-open and take our business in this exciting new direction.

“Many of our customers are keen gardeners, well, they certainly look like they slept on an allotment, so we expect they will all embrace our new business model.

“If anyone is worried about our commitment to becoming a leading garden centre, rest assured we are also in the process of getting some of our brunch items approved as composts.”

Wetherspoons intends to sell their full range weed killers in open-top, glass receptacles at a volume of ‘one pint’, and customers will find there is no limit on the volume of weed killer anyone can purchase during a visit.

Williams went on, “The plants in our beer gardens have become particularly unruly during the lockdown, and with nobody to maintain them or keep the weeds in check they are in need of attention.

“So if our customers would like to adopt a community spirit, we would invite them to take their weed killer outside and when they come back in with an empty container, we’ll simply assume they’ve been out there helping us tackle our weed problem and offer them a refill.”

When we’ve eradicated Covid-19, can we get started on the morons? Get the T-shirt here!

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