Friday 15 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

‘We can all clap any teachers and pupils who die’ reassures government


clap for teachers

People concerned about the reopening of schools no longer have to worry – the government has said that any deaths in schools will be marked by a weekly clap.

Can children catch, transmit and die of coronavirus?

The answer to these questions seems to be that although rare, it’s yes, which is why many people are worried that reopening schools too early will lead to a massive spike in Covid-19 cases.

Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has reassured the public that any fatalities in educational institutions will be remembered as heroes’ deaths.

“Firstly, look at the statistics – only a really small proportion of schoolchildren will die,” he said.

“It’s like, tiny. So that’s fine.

“Admittedly, more teachers might bite the dust but it’s hardly as if their deaths would be in vain. Teaching five-year-olds the difference between ‘er’ and ‘ur’ is basically the same as storming the beaches at Normandy to liberate Europe from the Nazis.

“We will also implement a weekly clap to show our appreciation for these heroes – like we ‘clap for carers’ we can ‘clap for teachers’

“Although that’s not as catchy is it? We need something more alliterative. Let’s see… clap your hands, stamp your feet, touch your… that’s it! Touch!

“Every Monday people can come out into the street and touch themselves for the teachers!

“Hope that sets minds at rest. Better get those school uniforms washed and ironed!”

Primary school teacher Simon Williams said, “I was kind of hoping to get married and have kids one day.

“However, upon reflection, I accept that if Reception class miss another six weeks of learning how to add up to twenty then they will never catch up and we will be left with an entire generation which is completely innumerate.

“So for goodness sake just shut up and take my life already.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt here!

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