Keir Starmer drowns puppies, insists Nadine Dorries

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Leading authority on idiocy, Nadine Dorries, has called out the Leader of the Labour Party as a cold-blooded puppy murderer, it has been reported.

Dorries said, “Yes, I may have demonstrated my classic brand of breath-taking ignorance by retweeting a fake video suggesting that Starmer, when he was literally the UK’s most senior prosecutor, couldn’t give two shits about child abuse victims, but I’m absolutely on the money with this one.

“Seriously, no word of a lie, the leader of Her Majesty’s official opposition is a serial canine euthaniser and the public really needs to know.

“Let’s face it, now I’ve said those words, you’re all imaging the evil bastard dropping a bag of spaniels into a river with that ice-cold expressionless look on his face, am I right?

“A bit like when two hundred plus thousand people watched that fake video that me and two other Tory MPs pretty much legitimised, and thought, what a callous prick that Starmer is. Look, I deleted it, okay. What else can I do? Apologise? Resign?

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“Erm, that reminds me. I also have it on no authority whatsoever that he knocks on pensioners’ doors before running off and tips disabled people out of their wheelchairs into horse manure.

“Then there’s his forensic questioning style that lays bare the horrifying ineptitude of lovely squidgy Boris. If that isn’t the epitome of pure malevolent menace, I don’t know what is.

“Oh, I just heard from a voice in my head that he said Captain Tom is a faker.

“Pure. Fucking. Evil.”