Government finalising strategy to blame you for coronavirus deaths

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After weeks of confusion and U-turns, the government has developed a comprehensive plan to make you solely responsible for any further spread of COVID 19, as all deaths from now on mean you obviously took the wrong decisions and lacked common sense.

Allan Tinnock MP, the minister in charge of the newly created Ticking Parcel committee, told the press that Boris Johnson’s leadership was key in developing advice that shifted all the responsibility of containing COVID 19 on ordinary citizens.

“We have been clear from the start that people should return to work if they feel it is safe to do so and take the common sense measures that anyone with a professional background in virology or immunology would take.

“We in the Conservative Party believe in empowering ordinary hard-working families so they can take the nationwide pandemic control decisions that work best for them.

“Go to work? Go to school? Go house hunting? Get a cleaner in? These are all decisions that should be made by ordinary untrained people who watch Gogglebox and eat at Greggs instead of a bunch of politicians in London with their panels of medical experts.”

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Although some opposition politicians claimed the initiative was a transparent attempt by the government to scapegoat the public for Europe’s worst death toll, there was some evidence the strategy was working.

In Croydon, Tory voter and habitual scratchcard buyer, Simon Williams, welcomed the decision to have him shoulder the responsibility of public health in the UK.

He told us, “Boris wants us to step up and I’m up for it. After all, it’s just about using common sense to guess viral loads in mixed-mode transmissions of microbial symbionts and applying it to contact patterns in a transient mass cohort. Doddle.”

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