Friday 15 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Contrarian arseholes looking forward to weekend at home after outdoor restrictions lifted


contrary man staying in this weekend

Contrary bastards across the country are looking forward to a quiet weekend at home in front of the TV now that outdoor coronavirus restrictions have been lifted.

Tired from six weeks of strenuous outdoor activities while lockdown measures have been in effect, contrary bastards are planning to catch up on some boxsets and perhaps read a book.

“They can’t make me go outside. It’s my right to stay at home if I want to,” said contrary bastard Simon Williams, who has spent the last few weekends sat ostentatiously in the park telling anyone who gets too close that his taxes pay for the park and he’ll sit in it if he damn well wants.

“All these drones going for a walk in the country, just because they’re ‘allowed to’ – such sheep.

“Not me, I’m staying at home with the curtains closed watching Netflix programmes about tigers because I’m a free-thinking individual who does what he likes, and not because anyone told him to.”

Mr Williams will also not be taking advantage of the restrictions on meeting friends outdoors being lifted.

He went on, “They can’t make me go out and meet friends. Even if I had any, I wouldn’t do it. Because no one tells me what to do.

“Up yours, the so-called authorities! I’ll do what I like.

“Besides, I’m getting this nasty cough and so could probably do with resting up for a bit.”

When we’ve eradicated Covid-19, can we get started on the morons? Get the T-shirt here!

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