Thursday 14 May 2020 by Arabin Patson

Parliament can resume as long as the area is cleared of foul miasmas and witches, insists Jacob Rees-Mogg


Jacob Rees-Mogg pushes to reopen parliament

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader Of the House of Commons and walking PSA about the dangers of marrying cousins, said that MPs should gather in Westminster and that, to ensure their safety, he had hired the nation’s finest witchfinders and leech-bearing crones.

Simon Williams, a commoner of low-birth elevated by Jacob Rees-Mogg to deal with the press, explained that his employer wanted to restore the nation’s morale by showing MP’s stoically going to work, unafraid of devilish hexes and bilious humors.

He told reporters, “It’s clear we need to get back to work. Fields are untilled, rents are unpaid and gentlemen of quality are forced to read un-ironed copies of the Daily Telegraph. Mr Rees-Mogg insists that MPs lead the way by returning to their slouching duties.

“This government is guided by science. Jacob is adamant the latest studies tell us that we will be fine as long as we routinely scour the boroughs for suspicious women who have cats or opinions.

“What’s more, the government has bought a hundredweight of Holy Frankincense that will be burned before each sitting to chase away the evil eye. Oh, and we’ll probably whip a few gipsies for good measure.”

Mr Williams denied that the true motive to resume normal sessions was the recent series of disastrous PMQs where Boris Johnson had to face Keir Starmer’s forensic questioning without the support of three-hundred braying gout-sufferers.

Although Nr 10 labelled the event a triumph of the PM’s rhetorical skills, most casual observers agreed that it was such a thorough mauling that David Attenborough should narrate PMQs from now on, to soothingly explain that it is a harsh but essential part of the circle of life.

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