Thursday 14 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

Man refusing to admit his lockdown beard is shit


lockdown beard is shit

A thirty-five-year-old man who hasn’t shaved for two months is still fully expecting his crappy little beard to ‘come good.’

At the end of March Simon Williams was furloughed for the foreseeable future. Despite only receiving 80% of his usual salary he was mainly just very excited about the prospect of growing a beard.

“At last, I can be a real man!” said Simon.

“I don’t need to look professional at the moment so this is finally my big chance to grow out my facial hair.

“I just want to look all grown up. You know, like the Beatles in 1969 when they were, er, in their late twenties.

“Admittedly it all still looks a bit patchy. There’s a circular area on my left cheek where no hair seems to grow at all. Our five year old actually said, ‘Daddy, have you burned your face?’

“But I’m in my mid-thirties so surely the remaining hair follicles will burst through any day now?

“And the ginger bits will just fade with length. That’s a thing, right?

“Anyway, it’s early days. Another few weeks and I’ll look like George Clooney.

“When he grew a beard.”

Simon’s wife Karen isn’t convinced the beard will be improving any time soon.

“Bless him. I’ve eaten hairier yoghurts,” she said.

“Now, my brother Phil is a hairy man. After eight weeks Simon looks like Phil does at lunchtime.

“Though I must admit I do sort-of like Simon with a bit of a beard. Anything that hides his actual face.”

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