Thursday 14 May 2020 by Runi Talwar

Government confirms it will do everything to support nurses except pay them more


Boris Johnson won't pay nurses any more

The British Government has marked International Nurses Day by vowing to do everything in their power to support nurses more during this time of crisis except pay them more money.

International Nurses Day, a day that commemorates the hard work done by nurses every day around the world, was on the forefront of the Government’s agenda on Tuesday. With the coronavirus pandemic still in full swing, the Government acknowledged the super-human effort that medical health officials are currently putting in to keep the virus at bay, and promised that this year’s IND would be marked by a substantial increase in moral support and “claps” for nurses across the country.

“This year, International Nurses Day could not have come at a more busy time for nurses,” said PM Boris Johnson, speaking from his taxpayer-subsidised mansion.

“We want to make sure we are supporting our brave nurses in every way possible at this critical time. To that end, I want to announce that we are introducing a new stimulus package that will aim to give nurses across the country more applause and ‘wow, they’re such heroes’ than ever before.

“I want all of the nurses across the country to know one thing – your Government supports you, and will continue to support you throughout this difficult time and beyond – no matter how many 8pm community claps it takes.”

When questioned about whether or not nurses could expect any actual funding to go along with the claps and hero-worship, Johnson was clear that he did not think nurses would want to “sully” the good work they are doing by associating it with something as low as “money for rent and food”.

He went on, “We consulted with several nurses before we came to the conclusion that, more than anything in the world, nurses don’t want to cheapen their work by getting paid a fair rate for it. Every nurse I have spoken to has made it clear that they love looking after people – and as they say, when you do what you love, you don’t really need to buy food or take care of your family.

“I spoke at length about exactly this with my own nurse, who worked tirelessly to ensure I was alive today to deliver this amazing news.

“I remember, I actually asked her ‘How can the government better support nurses’, and she categorically told me that she ‘doesn’t want to get f***ing paid what she’s owed’. I’m pretty sure she said that. I was heavily sedated at the time.”

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