Four-year-old pre-schooler promises to use ‘common sense’ when deciding which Lego pieces to lick

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After the government issued further guidance regarding the reopening of schools in England, many four and five-year-olds have said they are ready to apply the common sense required when it comes to how many things they put in their mouths.

It is expected that the number of 4 and 5-year-olds running around a classroom covered in snot while putting various items of stationery and equipment in their mouth should be limited to just fifteen per class to ensure the virus is not spread; and the children are ready to step up and do their part.

With new guidelines imposing strict limits on the number of adults allowed in close proximity at any one time, the government has advised that letting fifteen Reception-aged children loose in a classroom full of mouth-sized toys and implements should not pose a significant risk of any spike in infections – if they apply common sense.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock confirmed, “We have, as you know lifted the measures in place to allow a maximum of two people from different households to exercise together in a park or outdoor place, as long as they stay two meters apart.

“We will also be allowing up to fifteen children to mix in a small classroom whilst sharing the same toilets before going home to their furloughed parents who are not even allowed to go and get their hair cut until July.

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“The risk of infection is very low, providing the children follow government advice to stay alert and use common sense.”

Asked if he believes four-year-old children will be able to follow to such rules effectively he replied, “It’s not rocket science mate, and some of them are five.”