Tuesday 12 May 2020 by Pete Redfern

‘Use common sense’, says man who wouldn’t be Prime Minister if the country had any


Boris Johnson on common sense

The British public has been urged to use their common sense by a man who wouldn’t have been put in charge if they’d had some.

After baffling the nation with his revised lockdown guidance on Sunday, Boris Johnson yesterday tried to simplify the matter by leaving the big decisions about social distancing and tackling the Coronavirus to the general public.

“Oh, it’s just a case of common sense, really,” he told reporters in Downing Street.

“Most people have got a basic PhD level of understanding about the national and international responses to a global pandemic, particularly in relation to airborne viruses, so it’s up to them how they act going forward.

“And everyone understands that the Covid alert level is equal to ‘r’ where ‘r’ is the rate of infection plus the number of infections, so that’s the main thing.

“And on a scale of one to five, we’re currently about three-point-five, so that should tell you everything you need to know about how to modify your behaviour in the coming weeks.  I really don’t think we can be any clearer than that?”

Utter simpleton Simon Williams told us, “It’s all OK and we’re going to be just fine, I reckon.

“Last weekend I danced the conga with a seventy-five-year-old and we’re both still alive. Well, I assume she is. Haven’t heard from her, to be honest, and the lazy cow hasn’t taken in the milk from her doorstep for days.

“But yeah, I’ve got heaps of common sense. After all, I voted for Brexit.”

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