Tuesday 12 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

New Government advice on bleach: Don’t drink it, or drink it. Whatever


don't drink bleach. Or do. Whatever

The Government has issued new guidelines in the ingestion of bleach – Don’t drink bleach, or drink it. Whatever.

The guidelines have been revised after the previous guidelines, that explicitly stated that you should not drink bleach under any circumstances, were deemed patronising and unnecessary to a nation absolutely brimming with common sense.

“The previous guidelines of not drinking bleach under any circumstances were fine, and successfully prevented a lot of people drinking bleach,” explained Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and sociopath.

“But the time has come to loosen restrictions around drinking bleach, and instead put our trust in the wisdom of the Great British people.

“So, whilst we are still suggesting you shouldn’t drink bleach, we recognise that there may be some circumstances in which you may want to drink bleach, in which case try to make sure that you are drinking the bleach as safely as possible.

“Whatever, really. Just as long as everyone recognises that it’s not our responsibility anymore.”

Supporters of Johnson were pleased with the news.

“About time too. This whole thing around bleach has been blown out of proportion,” said Simon Williams, a man without much time left to live.

“If I want to drink bleach, then I should be allowed to and I’m glad the government has finally changed the guidelines to give me my freedom back to drink bleach.

“Cheers.”

It is understood that the government is also looking into established guidelines around staring into the sun, running with scissors and playing in the road, and restrictions on all such activities could all similarly be loosened.

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