Gimp Michael Gove finally has an excuse to wear his rubber mask down the shops.
As the government advises people in England to cover their faces in enclosed areas, Michael Gove is seizing the opportunity to pop to Waitrose in full gimp costume.
“Mmph, mmph,” explained Gove, who was chained to the front of a trolley as his wife Sarah raced it around the store at reckless speeds.
“This isn’t weird or sexual or anything,” Sarah elaborated. “It’s just about exercising common sense and taking reasonable steps to… shut up!” she suddenly punched Gove in the head as a mumble tried to escape the mask.
“Some people have suggested the disturbing nature of Michael’s outfit helps with social distancing. But to be honest it has pretty much the same effect as his regular clothes.
“Now, if you’ll excuse us…”
Sarah then extended the chain, pushed Gove to the floor and raced off towards the bakery, the Minister for the Cabinet Office dragging along the floor behind her.
However, despite Sarah’s claims, epidemiologist Simon Williams doesn’t think the gimp mask is a particularly effective method of protection.
“There’s no evidence to suggest that it prevents either infection or transmission of the coronavirus,” he said.
“While it’s true that fatality rates for gimps are among the lowest in the world this is mainly because they’re kept in boxes and never go out.
“The best thing Michael Gove can do for his own safety – and the wellbeing of the nation – is to get back in his box and stay there for the foreseeable future.”