In an attempt to refute accusations that its guidance on moving out of lockdown was a confusing meaningless waffle, the government put out a statement saying in no uncertain terms that people should, like, behave properly and stuff.
Simon Williams, the Communications Officer for Matt Hancock, convened a press conference to make sure the information given to the public was as clear and concise as a Tory minister’s answer to a question on past drug use.
He told reporters, “If we want to restart the economy we have to get Britain working again but not at the expense of lives.
“So it’s imperative that individual Brits with no medical training whatsoever, make daily guesses at how best to prevent viral transmissions.
“As always, we are guided by science, and so should the public. Find out what the science, any science, says and then be guided by it. Try the Lancet, they seem to know a thing or two about germs and stuff.
“Also, we made pretty colour charts because we know the public loves to be treated like children.”
Asked by journalists what were the specific recommendations of the government on issues such as wearing masks, safe distances on public transport, meeting sizes at work, virus potency on workplace surfaces and testing asymptomatic carriers in the workplace, Mr Williams nodded decisively.
He went on, “We are not adrift and confused. Those are very important questions and we understand that. Science has answers and we are guided by it. Did I mention the science already?
“To preserve the NHS and restart our economy we will do what is needed and make sure everybody stays alert, whatever that means. And I can’t take it any clearer than that.
“Seriously, I really can’t. I’d lose my job.”