So are we allowed to get back to it or not, ask doggers

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The dogging community are in a state of confusion after Prime Minister Boris Johnson addressed the nation yesterday with guidance on activities outside lockdown.

“It’s all so confusing,” said public sex and swinging enthusiast Simon Williams, taking a break from watching pornography to watch Boris Johnson screw the country.

“The missus and I have spent weeks inside, and we’re missing the excitement of dogging, to be honest. We tried doing it in the driveway once, but the neighbours weren’t remotely interested.”

He went on, “But now Boris has said we can take more exercise, and more than once a day, too, so long as we observe social distancing.

“So does this mean that my wife and I can drive to the woods and shag in front of strangers, so long as they don’t join in and instead simply masturbate from at least two metres away? That’s how I interpreted it, anyway.”

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Government spokesperson Christopher James responded, “The guidance was perfectly clear – you can partake in whatever activities you like outside, so long as it is only with your direct family members.

“And Boris too, of course, if he asks to join in.”