‘Eh?’ asks Britain

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The British public is now even more confused about lockdown than it was about Labour’s stance on Brexit.

Boris Johnson has updated everyone on lockdown and left the nation confused, scared and divided.

It’s what he does.

“Look, it’s all perfectly simple,” said Boris.

“Coronavirus deaths are now down to only a few hundred a day. Basically nothing. And none of those people were important.

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“So the time is right for you to get out there and go back to work. But stay at home and limit contact with other people. If possible.

“If you work in manufacturing or construction then work from home if you can but don’t use public transport to get there. If possible.

“If you can’t work from home, cycle to your place of employment. Take your bike on public transport if absolutely necessary.

“Practice social distancing in the workplace. If possible. I specifically gave one whole night’s notice so employers could prepare and put the necessary safeguards in place.

“Of course, if you’ve already been working from home then you can now work from the park or a beauty spot. Just make sure you stay two metres away from the unlimited joggers.

“Speaking of exercise, you may now play basketball with your family and one person from another household. I know those teams aren’t fair but we all have to make sacrifices at this difficult time.

“Our aim is for children to start going back to school in early June. Reception classes will be among the first to return because cool, calm and collected five-year-olds are the very best at maintaining social distancing.

“I hope that clears things up. I’ll be addressing the herd again when we hit 3.64 on our crystal clear five-point alert system.

“In the meantime, to you who are about to die – cheers!”