Stay alert, and be prepared to dodge that virus, the Boris Johnson has today confirmed.
The deadly menace, which somehow won a huge majority in December, has issued new advice for tackling Coronavirus.
“Lots of people have died,” he told reporters outside Downing Street this morning.
“And this is because they clearly weren’t alert enough, and they have only themselves to blame for their untimely demise.”
He went on, “If you want to survive this crisis, you must take some personal responsibility and stay alert. Watch out for it coming, and if you see it then just remember the five golden rules of dodging a virus. Dodge, duck, dip, dive and, er, dodge.”
Simpleton Simon Williams responded, “Oh, it seems so simple when he puts it like that! Silly us.
“Perhaps when the virus dies out in a week’s time because we’ve all dodged it then we can have a massive conga line the length of the country to celebrate.
“I’m so glad we’ve got such a smart leader – every other country must be so jealous.”