The Turkish PPE was fine, assures Head of Purchasing Derek Trotter

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Derek Trotter, the South London entrepreneur appointed by the government to purchase medical supplies, denied that he was a well-connected chancer who was in above his head when the 400,000 items of PPE recently had to be scrapped for being unusable.

Speaking from the Peckham headquarters of Trotter’s Independent Traders, the Thatcher-loving tory donor maintained that it was the NHS’ fault for not specifying they wanted surgical gowns with 2 arms.

“I am what the French call ‘un minable escroc’. An MP mate of mine from the Rotary club said we needed PPE and I knew a bloke I met on holiday in Turkey who could get us a good deal, like he did on the banana boat rides.

“I told my politician mate, who will remain anonymous, I said ‘Mike, I haven’t let you down for your special hayfever powder you sniff so often and I won’t let you down now’. But I’m not a doctor. If you want gowns with 2 arms, splatter shields you can see through and masks that don’t disintegrate when exposed to moisture then you have to say so.”

The government denied that the latest purchasing farce was symptomatic of politicians more concerned with visual symbols reminiscent of wartime, as well as rewarding their supporters, than actually providing life-saving equipment.

As explained press spokesperson Simone Williams, “Mr Trotter is a trusted patriot who did his best under trying circumstances and he has the gratitude of the government.

“What’s more, the Turkish PPE is not wasted since we have just signed a multi-million-pound upgrading contract with Arthur Daley Enterprises.”