‘I can hit 200,000 tests a day, for two full days on the bounce this time, without cheating’ insists Boris Johnson

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has this week announced that he aims to reach a massive 200,000 tests for coronavirus per day by the end of May, without any cheating this time, for two full consecutive days, before of course falling back to probably just a fraction of that figure again by June 2nd.

In what some are calling a largely optimistic promise, considering the woeful failure to reach any previous targets set by his own government, the Prime Minister is full of confidence that this one can be reached.

He explained, “I know this is a tough ask, particularly if we are not allowed to cheat on the last day this time and somehow come up with an unusually high figure which no one can explain without resorting to ‘it’s in the post’.

“But I think we can do it, especially if we really put everything into our efforts get to the 200,000 per day figure – and maintain it for not one, but two days before it all goes to shit again and we run out of testing kits or something.

“Once we have achieved this goal, and I believe we will, I will then look to set some other arbitrary and unusually optimistic targets for something else we have failed to deliver, like PPE or ventilators, just so it looks like I am working towards something which resembles an actual ‘plan’.

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“I mean, I would hate for it to become clear to the voting public that we are completely winging this.”