Ducks, goats and deer planning massive bank holiday weekend at Alton Towers

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The UK’s wildlife is using lockdown as an opportunity to have it large at the UK’s biggest theme park.

With most of Britain’s popular bank holiday destinations closed due to lockdown, the animal kingdom has a chance to have some fun.

“‘Nemesis’, here I come!” screamed Simon Williams, a very excited goat from Llandudno.

“I’ve spent my life trotting around this mountain on all fours but all I really want to do is to spiral through the air upside down.

“I’ve invited Stu and the lads from the Brecon Beacons. We’ll all take a few tinnies… it’s gonna be fucking mental!”

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Meanwhile, Brian the mallard is swapping his Swindon pond for the Splash Landings Hotel.

“The most interesting thing that happens at home is having to take evasive action because there’s a used condom floating towards me. But this weekend is going to be all about ‘The Master Blaster’ water coaster.

“Then I’ll raid the hotel freezer for a slap-up meal of scampi and chips. All I get at the pond is the bread dirty little kids chuck at my head – which, incidentally, has very little nutritional value and fills me up so I don’t eat anything that’s actually good for me.”

Even the normally shy deer are getting in on the action.

“To be honest, it’s not really my thing,” said Sharon, a doe from Knole Park in Kent. “But it’ll be nice to have a change of scenery. And I’ll be happy to hold some coats if others want to shit their guts out on the ‘Wicker Man’.”

However, some of Britain’s major roads are less than happy with the development.

“Oh bloody hell!” said the M4. “I was looking forward to a lovely, quiet bank holiday without miles of idle traffic spewing their toxic fumes all over me.

“Now it looks like I’m gonna get covered in shit and piss instead.”