Tuesday 5 May 2020

Lockdown and social distancing isn’t necessary if you are really horny, insists Professor Neil Ferguson


couple in bed

The man behind the advice that led the government to lock down the country and implement strict social distancing rules has insisted they don’t apply when ‘daddy really horny’.

Professor Neil Ferguson has allegedly been allowing his married girlfriend to visit him at home, in a move that some have described as ‘rank hypocrisy’ while others have insisted it ‘sounds about right for any horny man living alone’.

Ferguson’s controversial models, that predicted 500,000 covid-19 deaths if the country didn’t lock down and implement social distancing, have seen many couples around the country limited to thoroughly unsatisfying phone sex, though he himself appears to have made time in his diary for the real thing.

However, new figures released from Imperial College seem to imply that extremely horny men are like a natural disinfectant and prevent all those around them contracting Covid-19.

A researcher told us, “Yes, well, this is what the models now say. Professor Ferguson came into the office this afternoon looking rather hassled, played with a few variables, and then put out some new guidance that seems to indicate being horny means the current rules don’t need to be applied to you.

“I haven’t really had a chance to look at the results myself yet, but why should we doubt them – this sounds like really good news, right? I hear Boris is delighted.”

As many businesses claim that the lockdown has left them on the brink of going bust, it has come as no relief to learn that they aren’t the only ones who’ve been fucked by Professor Ferguson.

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