North Korean doctors don’t dare tell Kim Jong-un he’s dead

author avatar by 4 years ago

Medical staff at North Korea’s only hospital are avoiding telling the Beloved Dictator that he has been dead for almost three days, according to reports this morning.

Kim, who has been stiff as a board since Monday and is starting to niff the place out, is as yet unaware of his deceased status as fearful nurses and doctors have kept up a flurry of activity to avoid letting on.

Instead of risking their lives by giving the former Supreme Leader bad news, staff have limited themselves to telling the slowly decomposing Kim about the lovely weather and the latest huge successes in the country’s collective farming system.

“There’s a bumper crop of turnips this year,” said Doctor Choi Yung-sul as he adjusted the increasingly malodorous sheets around the dictators remains, before displaying photos of turnips on a second-rate iPad clone in front of his now obviously cloudy eyes.

“And the people have been keen to show their devotion by sending their own hair to stuff your pillows, as a traditional remedy for the sick. Even though you are clearly no longer sick. Obviously.

“In fact, you look incredibly fit and well, Great Leader,” he added.

“The revisionist liars of the United States have been saying you died several days ago, but in my professional medical experience, you have never looked better.

“You will soon be back on your feet and leading us into a glorious future.”

A version of this article first appeared on our Dutch partner site De Speld – you can read the original here.