To counter accusations that they had dealt with the pandemic with all the composure of a hen party being denied entry to a Blackpool nightclub, the government has announced it has finally secured a constant supply of cheap badges, evening claps and minutes of silence.
Dr Simone Williams, a resident at Croydon Royal Infirmary, expressed delight that the government had got its priorities right and had made sure no health worker would never again face a shortage of doubtfully sincere praise.
She went on, “Anyone could hire procurement experts and give them a blank cheque to buy medical gowns, eye shields, elbow gloves and N95 masks. But this government had the wisdom to realise no one in hospitals gives a shit about staying alive or spreading the infection to their loved ones.
“What we really want is bored furloughed workers abandoning their Zoom quizzes to open their window and clap. That is better than any equipment that will keep me alive.
“And should I die, I want everyone to promise me not to hold any enquiries into why a bunch of unqualified nudge-theory fetishists got to decide how to respond to the pandemic.
“What I truly want is for dilettante chancers to stand for one minute in front of cameras and stare in the distance as they think about where they are going for this month’s holiday.”
Dr Williams assured the press she held no grudge towards the current crop of politicians in power.
“Should they come onto my ward I will give them the most thorough care possible. Maybe they’ll learn to give a toss about their job.
“That or I’ll order daily colonoscopies and if we run out of lube I’ll just offer to clap for a bit instead.”