Reports have been flooding in from all over the country of heart-wrenching stories about Audi drivers taking increasingly desperate measures to remind everybody that their choice of car marks them as superior beings for whom the rules don’t apply.
Estate agent and president of the Croydon Audi Q8 Owners Association, Simon Williams, was keen to draw attention to the plight of his peers who have been deprived of their daily dose of road wankery.
“It’s just hard to keep going now that daily life has ground to a halt.
“What’s the point of taking up two disabled parking spaces if no-one can stop to admire your fine car?
“And how are people supposed to know I made 90K in commission last year if I can’t show them how powerful my full beams are from two-feet away?
“Even speeding through a school zone while talking on the phone, because our ceramic brakes and rabbit skin driving gloves mean we are just as good as professional stunt drivers, has lost its joy.
“We try to find ways to show that we are more deserving of everything while online but it’s tricky. I use my photo of me on a boat in Florida as a Zoom background but it’s not really the same as winking while telling a disinterested bartender that my Q8 could complete a Dakar rally stage.”
Evidence suggests most Audi drivers are now showing their innate dickishness by live streaming boxercise workouts, creating Instagram captions about success and making Google forms asking colleagues what they thought was the best World War 2 service rifle.”