In an attempt to bolster the credibility of the daily Government’s daily coronavirus briefings, today’s will be conducted by a bloke who was once in ‘Holby City’.
“We recognise that in recent weeks, people have begun to lose faith in the information given in the daily Governmental coronavirus briefings,” explained a Number 10 aide.
“So, from now on, we will only be having the most serious, credible people that we can find to hold these briefings and keep Priti Patel and little Matty Hancock as socially isolated as humanly possible.
“As such, today’s briefing will be conducted by a bloke who’s been on ‘Holby City’.
“His name is Barry, I believe, and he played an anaesthesiologist. He didn’t have a huge number of lines, but he once had quite a long conversation with Ric Griffin about anaesthetic which, I think, makes him the most qualified person we’ve ever had to give one of these briefings.”
It is understood that Barry will give a brief overview of the current state of NHS capacity, and then give a reading of the ‘Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks’ monologue from King Lear.
It is expected to be the most informative briefing yet.
The aide also went on to give a schedule of who will be holding the briefings throughout the week
“Well, yes. Barry today, obviously,” he said.
“Then tomorrow it’s Doctor Fox, Wednesday it’s Adam Ant, Thursday it’s Doogie Howser MD, and Friday it’s some bloke from the pub who reckons he ‘had that coronavirus and it wasn’t that bad’.
“All tremendously reassuring, I’m sure you’ll agree.”