Monday 27 April 2020 by Arabin Patson

Ray of hope after government announces it is looking into ways of f*cking-up the end of lockdown


Boris looking at ending the lockdown

Although it refused to commit to a specific date, Downing Street has confirmed it was beginning to explore how the government would eventually make a colossal cock-up of a phased return to full economic activity.

Simon Williams, Minister for Shambolic Clusterfucks, explained in a press conference that although the government was still committed to making a pig’s breakfast out of the current crisis, exploratory committees had been set up for future face-palming disasters.

He told reporters, “At the moment, we are still mainly focused on the day-to-day turning to shit of straightforward operations.

“Things like not boosting the bandwidth for our online test booking website the same day we tell 10 million people that they and their family are eligible for COVID 19 testing.

“Or not being able to get a plane from Turkey to London on a precise date. And of course, we have ongoing pathetic failures to secure PPE simply by not having the foresight to get someone to read emails from people can provide PPE.

“But we must look forward to the future, and how we will maintain a consistent level of devastating incompetence once we pass the peak of infection.

“As such we have established groups of our finest bumbling cretins to investigate the many promising ways we can still be an international laughing-stock by mishandling the way we end the lockdown.

“It’s early days but we are seeing promising avenues of disastrous shit-shows especially in areas of losing death certificates, sending deportation orders to foreign NHS staff and turning financial assistance claims into a Kafkaesque nightmare that ruins businesses.”

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