Priti Patel’s guide to sleeping soundly during a terrifying pandemic

author avatar by 4 years ago

The Home Secretary has finally answered the question, ‘How do you sleep at night?’

Many people are experiencing disrupted sleeping patterns amidst a once in a generation health crisis. It’s perfectly understandable – health worries, economic concerns, Netflix’s Ozark has become really good…

Fortunately, Priti Patel has agreed to share her top tips for getting a really great night’s sleep.

“People are constantly asking me how I sleep at night,” she said. “Quite an odd question – I assume they’re implying that I obviously get lots of beauty sleep.

“Well I can’t guarantee this advice will give you cheekbones like mine but here’s how you can set aside your coronavirus worries and get some rest.”

1. Put statistics into perspective.

“It’s easy to get caught up in the daily death toll. However, bear in mind that – if I’m interpreting this table correctly – only seven individuals have actually died from coronavirus.

“I get more people than that suing me for harassment on a daily basis!”

2. Think about what a wonderful job the government is doing.

“When was the last time you sat in a traffic jam?

“When was the last time you walked past a pub and got lost in a cloud of smoke?

“When was the last time you walked out of Boots and the alarm went off and the security guard stopped you and everyone was staring and you had to show your receipt and explain that it was probably that bottle of water you bought at the station that morning?


3. Read a good book before bedtime.

“Forget about current events and curl up on the sofa with a bar of Galaxy and a nice little page-turner by Ayn Rand.

“Have you read Atlas Shrugged? Brilliant book. Near the end, a women shoots someone for being a bit indecisive. This is – quite rightly – portrayed as a heroic act and not a cold-blooded murder.

“This book is written by a woman who’s obviously an insane sociopath and she’s one of my favourite authors! She’s also beloved by Dominic Raab and many other Conservative MPs. You know, the people who run the country.

“Think about that… and sleep soundly.”