Thursday 23 April 2020 by Arabin Patson

Joe Exotic offers to bring a little dignity to White House press briefings in exchange for full pardon


Joe Exotic white house

As Donald Trump’s latest press briefing descended into yet another acrimonious farce, convicted felon and reality TV star Joe Exotic promised that, if pardoned, he would go to Washington to bring some order to White House COVID-19 communications.

Simon Cletus Williams Jr, Joe Exotic’s attorney and part-time alligator wrestler, said that his client was uniquely experienced in dealing with an extremely sceptical press while aiming his core message at overweight people who own more guns than books.

He went on, “It’s clear our president is floundering. His idea of control is playing a hagiographic video that even the North Koreans would consider simplistic and over the top.  And yes, I have Cletus in my name, but you’re the one who just had to Google ‘hagiographic’; Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

“Trump can’t take a single question without blowing his top and yelling childish insults at journalists. He needs help, and Joe Exotic is the man to provide it.

“Think about it. Joe Exotic is more or less a God for Trump voters and he proved that a sincere love of guns and country music can win their hearts even if he is a gay polygamist who indoctrinates meth-heads for sex.”

Mr Williams Jr said his client had a simple plan for holding constructive press briefings.

“At the moment it’s a shit show. Joe will bring in some lovely tiger cubs for the reporters to pet and maybe sing them a song or two. That should get them to relax. As for Fox News, Joe will set up cartoon coronavirus targets and shoot them with a machine-gun while shouting anti-Chinese slurs.

“And all that’s needed to get that done is a presidential pardon and an FBI task force to investigate Carole Baskin.

“Oh, and meth. Lots and lots of meth.”

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