When lockdown ends the people of the UK will emerge blinking into the light knowing who won every single Sports Personality of the Year since 1954.
There is one massive upside to lockdown that nobody’s really talking about – thanks to Zoom-based quizzes, when it comes to general knowledge the UK will soon be ‘skillage in the fucking village’.
“Because of their perpetual desire to recreate pub culture in their own homes, lockdown will ensure Brits have fantastic general knowledge when we all finally emerge,” said Sociologist Simon Williams.
“But it’s always important to remember that general knowledge does not equal intelligence.
“Boris Johnson, to take one example, could probably reel off the names of all the Homeric Hymns with ease, yet he’s also a man who thinks Muslim women wear bright red and have three mail collections a day.
“While other countries will learn valuable lessons from lockdown and build more equitable, more compassionate societies, Brits will probably just go back to shouting at foreigners to ‘go home’ – except now they’ll know the population density and capital of their country of origin.
“Instead of building a permanent infrastructure to ensure nobody has to sleep rough ever again, the people of Blighty will be too busy proving they know the key of an Ordnance Survey map like the back of their hand.
“Rather than investing heavily in the NHS and ensuring it never goes chronically underfunded ever again, the UK will be having a mass debate about whether that flag belongs to Chad or Romania.
“No, despite a fleeting optimistic desire to change our society for the better, Britain will soon be as insular, selfish and nepotistic as ever.
“But ‘Norfolk Enchants’ better watch their backs down The Bull on Monday evening.”