Parents who began the coronavirus lockdown safe in their belief that watching television would rot the brains of their progeny are now inching towards sitting their children in front of YouTube for eight hours a day.
As the lockdown continues, many parents of pre-school aged children are adapting to a reality in which their days are dominated by small humans who are never, ever satisfied with the amount of attention they receive.
Mother of two Simone Williams told us, “I have always maintained that it was only the lazy parents that put their children in front of the TV.
“Before Tobias was born, I was absolutely convinced that he would go to school not knowing what a television even was, but having read most of the classics.
“Whereas today, we’ve just subscribed to some YouTube channel that shows nothing but other kids playing with toys in a 10-minute long thinly-veiled advertisement, and I have to say that my entire soul is simply leaping at the thought that I might get a few moments of peace.
“I’m still working, and Tobias is supposed to be at nursery, so really this is the government’s fault – and I will fight anyone who says plonking a toddler in front of the iPad is a neglectful thing to do.
Tobia told us, “Don’t worry, I’m fine, but my parents are both idiots. I just make them unlock the iPad, pretend to watch a few videos on YouTube and then take the iPad into my nursery to play poker online.
“You might think they’ll be cross if they find out, but they’ll probably relax when they realise I’m five-grand up.”