UK tabloids forced to start making stuff up after Harry and Meghan end co-operation

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Harry and Meghan have had quite enough of the UK tabloid press using their fascinating lives as clickbait.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have written to UK tabloid newspapers explaining that they’re ending all co-operation with them.

“The factual accuracy of your stories constitutes a complete invasion of our privacy,” said the letter.

“While we respect you as professionals we can no longer have totally authentic details about our family arguments splashed over your front pages.

“And yes, we have bought a $20m jacuzzi and use it to host sex parties with Hollywood stars, including regular Mel Gibson – but we don’t want everyone to know about it!

“So from this point on we’re keeping schtum. Sorry, you’ll just have to report on the state of the economy or something.”

Understandably, the letter has not been well-received.

“This is terrible!” said tabloid editor Simon Williams. “I’m at a complete loss as to how we can now generate juicy stories about the Sussexes.

“Our rigorous journalistic methods will be useless without reliable sources and direct co-operation from those involved. We’ll have no more news! We’ll go under!

“Wait a moment…perhaps we could… no, no, no. It wouldn’t be ethical.

“It’s just that…perhaps we could just… make shit up?

“You know, really interesting stuff about Harry’s weird right-angled penis. Or the time Meghan mud-wrestled Kate to see who got to eat the parson’s nose during a family dinner.

“This could be a whole new beginning!”

Harry and Meghan laughed off the idea.

“Make stuff up? Who’d believe that? Who’d buy it? The British people aren’t idiots!”