Opinion: Now is the perfect time to convert your oil tanker into a secret supervillain lair

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Guest editorial for NewsThump by Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

As oil prices head to unprecedented lows – in some cases so low producers are literally paying you to take the stuff away – many shipping owners will be wondering: is it time to convert my tanker into a secret supervillain lair and prey on the US and Russian navies?

With oil effectively worthless, owning it and moving it about it it is no longer a good way to make an honest living. But what about the alternatives? A gigantic boat lurking on the high seas to secretly capture nuclear submarines and use them to hold the world to ransom is a viable alternative revenue stream.

How do I know? Because I’ve done it!

The US government is currently printing huge sums of money and giving it to anyone who asks for it, and the Russians have large gold reserves, so holding the USS Michigan or the K-535 Yuriy Dolgorukiy hostage and threatening to use their missiles to level major world cities can boost your cash flow at a time when money can be a bit short – and the converted hold of a gigantic supertanker is the ideal venue.

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You might be concerned about the difficulties of carrying out the conversion work, but thanks to the global slowdown many dockyards around the world are desperate for work and hard currency, and countries like North Korea are known for not asking too many questions so long as you pay the instalments on time.

And thanks to a slowdown in sales, many essentials for holding the world to ransom like jumpsuits, machine-pistols and little buggies for your goons to ride around in are quite cheap at the moment.

You might think that being a global supervillain and holding the world to ransom may not be for you – but you’ve been working in the oil industry for years and your conscience hasn’t pricked you once, so think of this as the next logical step!