Tuesday 21 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Matt Hancock urges NHS staff to just hold their breath amid face mask shortages


Matt hancock advises holding breath in mask shortage

The Health Secretary has thought of a brilliant solution to the PPE crisis – doctors and nurses can simply hold their breath when dealing with patients.

Matt Hancock has finally pulled it out of the bag and saved his reputation. The chronic shortage of face masks in the NHS is no longer a problem.

“I got there in the end!” laughed a relieved Hancock.

“I had so many ideas for how to overcome PPE supply issues but upon closer analysis, each of them seemed to have a tiny flaw which made it unworkable.

“My first idea was for medical practitioners to put clothes pegs on their noses. Nobody’s doing much laundry as they’re all stuck at home – this frees up thousands of pegs which could be redirected towards life-saving nostril plugging.

“Sadly, I’d forgotten about mouths through which the virus can also be transferred. There’s always another orifice to consider – human biology is so complicated!

“My next idea was to use ventilators – if doctors had a machine to operate their lungs for them they obviously wouldn’t be taking in germs.

“But then I remembered that I’d fucked up the supply of ventilators too.

“However, this soon led me on to my ultimate brainwave – staff can hold their breath!

“With practice, most nurses could probably hold it for ninety seconds or so. And they have so many patients to deal with that they shouldn’t be spending longer than that in close proximity to a single individual anyway.

“It’s perfect! The beauty is that the technique can also be rolled out to members of the public when they go to the supermarket or whatever.

“I’ve saved the day! I’m bound to get a knighthood now!”

Hancock has been advised not to hold his breath.

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