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Online adult sites are being inundated with videos of people’s ultimate lockdown fantasies – such as going to Pizza Express with some friends.
The deepest, darkest desires of the average person have changed dramatically over the last month.
Naturally, these new sordid little fantasies are being reflected by online pornographic content.
Detective Simon Williams has been monitoring lockdown porn videos for illegal material.
“Some of this stuff shows humanity at its most depraved,” he said.
“People going to restaurants to eat pineapple on pizza, couples going for two walks a day, middle-aged men driving for half an hour to go on a twenty-minute jog – really weird shit.
“Some of the most disturbing videos show large groups of people indulging in picnics in the park – men talking to women, women talking to women, men bantering with men…
“Young women doing their best to appear to be interested in conversations about house prices but there’s a dead look in their eyes…
“I’m sad to say that sometimes Haribos and children are involved.
“Yesterday I even had to watch some perverts double-dipping carrot sticks in hummus. These people need to control themselves.
“It’s all completely sickening. We have to shut this shit down before it corrupts innocent minds.”
Pornhub released a statement reassuring authorities that everything posted on its site was above board.
“All the socialising depicted in our videos is one hundred per cent consensual and was filmed before lockdown came into effect.
“We would never encourage people to leave the house – that would be terrible for our business model.”
