Nigel Farage to teach kids climate change denial for ‘balance’ in BBC Lockdown Learning Scheme

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As a host of celebrities line up to deliver online lessons to UK schoolchildren, the BBC has insisted that Nigel Farage needs to be involved to ensure all perspectives are represented.

With no end in sight to coronavirus school closures, the BBC has lined up a raft of celebrities to act as the nation’s virtual supply teachers.

Producer Simon Williams is coordinating the ‘Lockdown Learning’ scheme.

“We’ve got loads of great lessons coming your way,” he said.

“Ed Balls will be teaching maths – narrowly beating Diane Abbott and Priti Patel in auditions by virtue of the fact he knows what numbers are.

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“Sergio Aguero will be teaching children how to count in Spanish – only up to twenty though because, you know, he is a footballer after all.

“We’ll also have Professor Brian Cox giving lessons in gravity – based on how his career as a pop star came crashing down to earth after a single hit.

“Of course, this being the BBC we need to have at least one real idiot talking bollocks just to prove that we’re completely impartial and in no way biased against morons.

“We’ll, therefore, have Nigel Farage explaining to primary school kids how climate change is a scam designed to facilitate a transnational government that will destroy precious nation-states like dear old Blighty.

“He’ll also be teaching general bigotry, Key Stage Three racism and real ale appreciation for 11-to-14-year-olds.

“Don’t worry though, there is still hope that future generations of Britons might not all be total fucking idiots – Sir David Attenborough will be teaching them Geography.

“Hands up who wants to learn about oxbow lakes? Haha, I thought so – every-fucking-one!”