Government praised after Boris Johnson was successfully blocked from cocking-up 5 COBRA meetings

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As national unity turns to a mood of recrimination, Downing Street has managed to score a great PR coup by announcing that it had saved thousands of lives by getting Boris Johnson to have a nap instead of bumbling into COBRA meetings and bollocking-up pandemic planning.

Simon Williams, the spokesperson for Number 10, was very keen to emphasise that it was a cross-ministerial team effort that ensured they could get some vital work done by stashing Boris Johnson at Chevening to write his memoirs and get drunk on Bollinger.

He told us, “In times of crisis, we see the best in people. And when it was clear this deadly disease was going to hit our shores, ministers and civil servants began working tirelessly to remove that hugely disruptive oaf from any decision making.

“It was not easy. He very much saw this as his Churchill moment, although Winston had fought in three wars before the big one, whereas Boris’ worst crisis was his wife realising there was only one way she’d caught the clap.

“So we rallied together and worked as one. All the civil servants and scientists made the briefings as detailed as possible as we know he can’t read more than four pages without getting twitchy. We also made it clear that each meeting would involve lengthy discussions and actually having to take responsibility for something.”

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Mr Williams added that it was political allies who made it possible for five vital planning meetings to go on undisturbed.

“It was Michael Gove who saved the day. Just as it looked like Boris might attend, Michael asked him how amazing it would be to lie down on the croquet lawn of Chequers and have a wank while all the bodyguards are forced to watch.

“And after that Boris was gone!!”