Friday 17 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Man desperately craving pub atmosphere has taken to pissing all over living room carpet


Man pissing on carpet to give house that classic pub feel

A man who desperately misses the environment of his local boozer is turning his home into a place totally lacking in comfort or cleanliness.

Simon Williams hasn’t been to the pub for a month, and with lockdown now extended for at least another three weeks, he’s taking matters into his own hands and making his home as much like The Hope and Anchor as possible.

“It surprised me, but the stench of stale urine was the main thing I missed,” he said wistfully. “So I simply pissed all over my bathroom floor.

“It wasn’t quite enough somehow – so I also peed in the vases that my wife Karen keeps dotted about the house. That made the whole place nice and pungent. It added some proper boozer musk.

“Next I added some graffiti – cock and balls above the sink, ‘Simon woz ‘ere’ next to the kettle.

“Then I thew away the sofa so there was only one comfy chair in the whole place and Karen had to fetch a wooden one from the kitchen to watch Emmerdale.

“For additional atmosphere I put on some music, ensuring it was just loud enough for Karen and I to only be able to hear half of what the other was shouting.

“Finally, each time I got a bottle of Coors Light from the fridge I set fire to a five-pound note.

“I was feeling lovely and relaxed until Karen went to change the water in the dining room flowers and discovered they were happily soaking in my whizz.

“She was absolutely livid and kicked me out into the cold at midnight.

“Which was brilliant ‘cos then it really felt like a pub!”

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