After news that 99-year-old Captain Tom Morgan has raised £15m for the NHS by walking around his garden, Boris Johnson has pledged to recruit 24 99-year-old men just like him every week to make up the shortfall in funding.
Boris, who promised the NHS an extra £350 million pounds every week, came up with the idea after witnessing the inspirational nonagenarian shuffling round his garden and had a brainwave of how to raise the cash.
“I’ve always wondered how to tap into the simply brilliant fundraising potential of pensioners, and what this country needs is an army of retirees struggling to get around their own gardens to raise the money I’ve promised the health service,” he told reporters over a video link from what is technically the second home he shouldn’t have travelled to.
“It’s so good to see people using charitable endeavours to raise the money we should have been giving to the NHS, it warms my heart. Well, the cavity in my chest where the heart should be.
“What I’d like to say to Britain’s wonderful pensioners is ‘You can do it’. So all you, set up a GoFundMe page, get off your decrepit arses and start hobbling around the place to help save the NHS.
“Together, we – by which I mean you – can save our health service from the lack of funds that successive Tory governments have been responsible for.
“Just imagine that it’s like D-Day, but you’re on your zimmer frame and it’s Ian Duncan Smith who’s shooting at you.”