A panel comprising the nation’s finest socio-linguistics experts and behavioural psychologists have decreed that there was no significant difference in how much we hate cretins who have barbecues in the park during a pandemic and sanctimonious wankers who scowl at joggers.
Professor Amy Tinnock, who led the panel, said that people feel precisely the same level of anger towards selfish gits who can’t put-off a frisbee-golf game for a few weeks and curtain-twitching fuckwits who plaster Facebook with Daily Mail pieces about sunbathers.
“The correlation is rather intriguing,” she told us.
“We asked several volunteers to wear portable electroencephalogram machines for a few days. Normally people have a large range of negative emotions towards stimuli ranging from a mild cringe when middle-class men say ‘sorted’ all the way towards a murderous frenzy whenever you remember Piers Morgan exists.
“But in this case, the sight of some young tosspots who are happy to be Typhoid Marys because they are currently in good health is precisely as infuriating as glancing at the twitter feed of some gammon ranting about how solitary hill-walkers should be put in jail.”
One of the volunteers, Simon Williams, confirmed the findings.
“It’s hard to say who I hate the most. The angry idiots distracting from a systemic failure by the government by insinuating the most guilty parties in the pandemic are teenagers who want to smoke weed together; or those fucking bellends who keep having lockdown parties.
“One thing is certain, I can’t fucking stand the term ‘covidiot’. I don’t think a word has annoyed me as much since the press started using ‘brexiteer’.
“I’m just going to do the healthy thing and progressively cut myself off from any human contact and retreat into a world of online gaming and increasingly niche pornography.”