America entirely Coronavirus-free within 40 miles of Chuck Norris, study shows

author avatar by 4 years ago

Despite the high incidence of cases of the Coronavirus within the United States there are no cases whatsoever within forty miles of Chuck Norris, according to a study released today.

Researchers grew interested in the effect after noticing a mobile zone of zero-transmission in Texas, and believe they have traced the effect to the action star moving around the state.

As nobody dared ask Norris if they could follow or tag him to study the effect, NASA allocated satellite time to track him until he noticed and raised a mildly annoyed eyebrow – by which time the Centre for Disease Control had gathered enough data to make a hypothesis.

“Currently we’re speculating that despite the virus being nothing more than a strand of self-replicating DNA inside a lipid layer that has no sensory apparatus or awareness whatsoever, it is at some fundamental level scared of Chuck Norris,” said CDC spokesman Simon-Bob Williams.

“The lack of infections seems to move in an area centred upon Norris, so if he goes shopping you will see infection rates fall and then rise again as he drives along the freeway, and witnesses report visible clouds of viral particles fleeing the scene”.

“Many believe that Jesus can cure disease through His divine grace, but in this instance, we believe the anti-viral effect of Chuck Norris is due to him scaring the shit out of pretty much everything.

“We’d ask him to visit hospitals, but there’s a risk that people with weak hearts might just expire out of sheer awe at his presence.”