Tuesday 14 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Middle-class man forced to do his own DIY now adopting working-class accent while doing so


Man hanging picture

A middle-class man has created a ‘geezer’ character in order to perform some basic DIY around the house.

With tradesmen now considered dangerous carriers of disease, Karen Williams asked her husband Simon if he could put up a couple of pictures in the spare room.

“Certainly darling,” said Simon. “I’ll finish the crossword then I’ll take a look.”

Half an hour later Karen went to the spare room to ask Simon if he’d like a drink.

“Ooh yeah, a cuppa’d be smashing!” said Simon, “Milky but strong with twenty sugars. Cheers darlin’!”

A bemused Karen soon returned with Simon’s usual cortado and a plate of M&S cookies.

“Ah, blindin’, you’re a doll and no mistake. Cor, these are posh ain’t they? Used to Jammy Dodgers me.”

Karen then pointed out to Simon that it appeared he hadn’t actually done anything yet.

“Yeah well, as it turns out it’s not as easy as all that. See this wall? Solid brick that is. Gonna have to drill it.”

“Is that a problem?” asked Karen.

“Well, that’s gonna be… noisy and dusty innit?” said Simon, struggling to stay in character given the horrifying nature of the task in hand.

“And I’m gonna need parts – screws and those bloody plastic… bloody things..”

“Haven’t we got rawl plugs in the garage?” asked Karen.

“Could take a look like, but it’ll cost ya, it’ll cost ya.”

Karen took pity on her husband.

“Do you want me to do it?” she asked.

“Oh yes please!” said a relieved Simon. “While you get on with that I’ll bake some olive bread!”

“Nice one sunshine!” said Karen. “I’ll have mine with loadsa drippin’.”

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