Monday 13 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Matt Hancock’s PPE degree from Oxford revealed to be f*cking useless


Despite graduating with a first in PPE from Exeter College Oxford, the Health Secretary doesn’t seem to know anything about Personal Protective Equipment.

Matt Hancock’s Oxford PPE degree has been revealed to be a real Mickey Mouse job.

Political Analyst Simon Williams is somehow surprised at the Health Secretary’s cluelessness.

“I assumed one of the main reasons he was given this role was due to his PPE expertise,” he said.

“However, despite spending three whole years of his life studying PPE, Mr Hancock seems to think that nurses are ‘wasting’ protective equipment by putting gloves on their hands and face masks over their mouths.

“And you’d think he’d know where to source more equipment – ‘not using something’ isn’t really a workable supply strategy.

“When I asked him about his education he said something about philosophy and that perhaps people wouldn’t die if they were put in the woods where nobody could see them die.

“That might explain why death statistics don’t include a large number of deaths – such as those who haven’t been tested for coronavirus or people who pass away outside hospitals.

“It’s Hancock putting his degree into direct action – if no one records deaths then they didn’t happen!

“The Health Secretary’s latest comment is that the future of coronavirus is unknowable – slightly odd coming from a man whose job it is to coordinate a speedy response based on scientific modelling of how the virus is likely to spread.

“He’d better learn something about protective equipment before this is all over because I imagine there are going to be some very angry voters out there.”

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