Jesus Christ the Lamb of God has just given his personal assurances that the fringe leaders who recently told their flock to break social distancing for an Easter service would be told to fucking ‘do one’ when they presented themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus, a tradesman from Nazareth who is currently convalescing for injuries he suffered during a crucifixion, made an apparition to tell the world that US preachers who caused death by wanting to see packed congregations were “cunts of the highest order”.
He went on, “I’m a pretty relaxed bloke and I try not to judge, but telling people to pack into a church and share a communion cup during a sodding pandemic is bang out of order.
“I don’t give a toss how often you praise me, or what mighty works of stone you have dedicated to me, if you pull that kind of shit St Peter will be waiting for you at the entrance to Heaven with steel-toe boots and a nasty smile.
“And Pete likes nothing more than giving American snake-handling wankers a good kicking before tossing them down into a pit of hellfire.”
Jesus also explained that he saw profiting from his suffering by harming the faithful as a personal insult.
“I just got nailed to a cross so as to spare humanity eternal damnation and these spray-tanned fuckwits use my suffering to enrich themselves at the risk of thousands of casualties? Sod forgiveness, they’re getting a slapping.
“And while we’re at it, I might as well have a word about Christian rock. I know you mean well but I beg you, just stop.”