Saturday 11 April 2020 by Arabin Patson

Fearless British media see past boring record death toll to break exclusive story that Boris Johnson is in a good mood


Man happy Boris is recovering nicely

UK Broadcasters have patted themselves on the back for managing not to get distracted by the fact that the UK has overtaken Spain and Italy in daily death toll and instead zeroed in like snipers on the vital news that Boris Johnson was feeling rather chipper.

Simon Williams, News Editor at the BBC, was one of many senior journalists to thank his staff for their tiresome work reporting how one man played sudoku or heroically managed an appreciative nod to the overworked and under-equipped nursing staff that kept him alive.

He told us, “It’s easy to lose sight of what matters and just report figures of non-celebrity deaths like some sort of math geek.

“But it took our unique network of contacts and our cutting-edge investigation know-how to uncover vital news. Namely, that Boris Johnson has spoken on the phone to his girlfriend.

“In these trying times, it would be easy to take the lazy road and just bring in expert epidemiologists from any of the 33 medical schools in the country. We could just stay safe at home and create accessible breakdowns of complex medical terms to educate people in disease prevention.

“But we did not choose the easy way. We decided we would stay alert and ready to pounce the second that Downing Street’s communication team decided to give us a fluff piece about the PM being able to go for a little stroll.

“But don’t get too comfy. As the bodies mount we must be vigilant and be able to instantly go live should Boris order a cheeseburger or crack a wanky joke to a doctor.”

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