Friday 10 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Jesus and two thieves fined for hilltop gathering of more than two people


police break up Crucifixions

Police have been forced to disperse a crucifixion of more than two people which blatantly flouted social distancing rules.

A gathering in which three people who did not live together were being crucified has been broken up by police officers.

Pontius Pilate, who was responsible for sentencing the three individuals to death by crucifixion, is not happy about the decision.

“This is bollocks,” he said. “The crosses were clearly more than two metres apart; those guys weren’t doing anything wrong.

“People are far closer to each other during other painful experiences, such as going to the supermarket.

“When I complained to police they actually suggested that Jesus should crucify himself at home!

“Sure, he could nail one of his hands to the cross himself but how the hell is he supposed to do the other one – with a hammer in his mouth?!

“And do the two thieves have to link up via Zoom to sing ‘Always look on the bright side of life?’ It’s ludicrous!

“If people aren’t actually allowed to go out and be crucified once a day then the government needs to make the guidelines clearer.”

Jesus Christ our Saviour was also a bit miffed.

“Well, this is turning out to be a real shitter of a day,” he said.

“If being crucified wasn’t bad enough I’ve now been fined ninety quid!

“And I haven’t died so obviously can’t rise again on Sunday. Sorry folks but that’s Easter royally fucked.

“How could things possibly get worse? Please don’t tell me PornHub have withdrawn their free Premium service?”

God, however, was fairly chilled out about the whole thing.

“I know things haven’t quite gone to plan but it’s all good,’ he said.

“Easter’s primarily about chocolate eggs anyway.”

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