Thursday 9 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Man planning to spend lockdown writing a novel will probably just wank himself into an early grave


man using lockdown to wank himself into coma

A man has decided that being forced to spend weeks at home is his golden opportunity to finally get to work on that novel – but he’s far more likely to just bop the bishop until he can no longer breathe.

As any man who’s ever worked from home knows there’s nothing quite as joyful as a cheeky wax of the dolphin during a coffee break.

Simon Williams is a lifestyle consultant who specialises in freelancers.

“It’s a tale as old as time,” he said. “A young man finds himself with time on his hands and decides to take the bull by the horns and fulfil his destiny.

“A few weeks later, having focused too much on one particular horn, they don’t have the energy to get out of bed and all their socks are as stiff as ironing boards.

“I wish this aspiring novelist all the luck in the world but this is how I predict his life will now play out:

“He’ll sit down to write and realise it’s actually not as easy as all that. To clear his head he’ll have a quick game of tug of war with Cyclops.

“Afterwards, a quick google will reveal the awful truth that to be a successful writer he’ll have to work much harder than he ever did in a ‘proper’ job. This is the moment he sets PornHub as his home page.

“Within a fortnight he’ll be forgetting to eat.

“After about a month he’ll realise what his true ambition in life is – to stay at home with the curtains drawn bucking the slobbering donkey until he slips peacefully into a coma.

“I give him about six weeks to live.

“Lucky bastard.”

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