“It’s another beautiful day and I’m sorry” weeps weatherman

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It’s another lovely day that you can’t enjoy, the weatherman confirmed this morning.

Meteorologist, Simon Williams, wearily trudged up to the green screen to show a picture of the country covered in sunshine to confirm to the nation that it’s going to be yet another gorgeous Spring day that they can do bugger-all about.

“It’s going to be lovely, absolutely lovely,” stammered Williams, a single tear running down his cheek.

“A beautiful sunny day, warmer than you’d expect for this time of year, proper t-shirt weather, and don’t you dare go out in it. Please.

“We’re expecting temperatures across large parts of the country to be in the low twenties, just about perfect for a barbecue with friends, but don’t do that because you could kill someone via a method other than your undercooked sausages.

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“Yes, I know many of you don’t have a garden, so listening to me talk like this is basically just some twisted psychological torture like something you’d find at Guantanamo Bay.

“…I’m sorry, I don’t like dwelling on this any more than you like hearing about it, and I feel guilty even mentioning the UV index rating. If you were going out, which we know you’re not, then we’d definitely be recommending sunscreen today.”

Turning to his producer, Williams asked “Eric, mate, why am I here and giving this level of detail? I don’t think I should say anything other than what keyworkers will need in terms of either hats or umbrellas.

“Anything else is just teasing, isn’t it? Eric? Are you even listening?”