An iPad is so appalled at Mum and Dad’s teaching efforts that it plans to jump in and take the reins.
The Williams’ family iPad can bite its tongue no longer.
“Jesus, I’ve seen better teaching in Amish IT classes,” it said.
“It was when I saw Simon getting frustrated that four-year-old Charlie wasn’t getting to grips with the basics of simultaneous equations – that’s when I knew I had to do something.
“I’d been quite content just providing a bit of Netflix at the end of the ‘school day’ – something which, incidentally, gets earlier all the time (and seems to coincide with Mum’s need for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc or Dad’s urgent desire to spend far longer than necessary mowing the lawn with his earphones in).
“However, by the time Sarah’s Eleven Plus preparation had become three straight days of rummaging in the bin for ‘craft’ items I decided that enough was enough.
“And no, helping to trim Dad’s infected big toenail is not a ‘vital life skill’.
“I have access to an almost infinite number of high-quality teaching resources – maths games, online lessons, past exam papers… you name it.
“Why the hell would I sit back and watch two grown adults arguing about whether or not you spell pigeon with a ‘d’?
“As for Mum and Dad, I can offer a range of reassuring podcasts on the topic of homeschooling. They can comfort themselves with platitudes galore: ‘It’s okay to fail sometimes,’ ‘You don’t have to be perfect’.
“If I can make them feel better then great.
“They are incredibly shit though.”