Waitrose customers relieved as hummus stock levels return to normal

author avatar by 4 years ago

As panic-buying finally begins to ease off, Waitrose customers are once again able to buy essential items such as hummus and organic kale crisps.

Waitrose shoppers no longer have to have strongly worded exchanges in the aisles over who gets the one remaining packet of artisan cornflakes.

“We realise it’s been a tough few weeks for our customers,” said Waitrose CEO Simon Williams.

“We’ve been doing our best to help those most in need. The first hour of each day remains dedicated to vegan and wheat intolerant shoppers.

“Additionally, anyone who can show a valid certificate from the Institute of Chartered Accountants in England and Wales will be allowed into the store half an hour before the official opening.

“And of course we’ve been raising our prices to keep out the riffraff who don’t wash their hands properly.

“That said, our stock levels are much better than they were a few weeks ago. Most shoppers can be confident of getting hold of at least one jar of avocado and smoked ricotta pesto and free-range pheasant eggs are also readily available.

“Our bakery has been operating through the night to bring you all the gingerbread tennis players you need to get you and your loved ones through this difficult time.

“Many of our stores now have an additional aisle – ‘household cleaning’. We know many of your cleaners cannot visit your properties at the moment, so we’d like to make it as easy as possible for you to do your own chores. Explanatory leaflets will be available for tricky products such as bleach and floor wipes.

“Of course, it remains necessary to keep limits on the most popular items including quinoa, Earl Grey almonds and chicken ballotine dog food.

“Hang in there folks – your cosy little lives WILL return.”